my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will be naked everywhere
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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