we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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