Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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