yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
