How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We need to get me chipped asap
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
