last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
