I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
