Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
