I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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