1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
