I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
