I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
