I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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