too bad you live with your parents still
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
