I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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