my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
