You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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