I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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