so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
