Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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