That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
