my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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