On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
