Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
