everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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