thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
