i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
