Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
