YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
