I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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