I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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