Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
