Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
