dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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