I feel great
I just peed on a car
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
