Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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