Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
