I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
