I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
