dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
