Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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