ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
