Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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