Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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