i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
