I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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