I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
