i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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