My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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