Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
