I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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