The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
