Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
